Will I ever be thin enough?

Trapped by a society who thinks thin is the only 'in', I have lived on a roller coaster of weight.  I grew up in a household with a mother who was on a perpetual diet.  Both she and my father maintained slender, if not underweight, bodies.  Even as they aged the notion that they must be thin remained.  When my father passed away almost four years ago I would bet he didn't weigh much more than 90lbs.  He had probably been sick for years, contributing to his frail body, but only admitting and succombing to his illness right at the end of his life.  A few days before my father passed away he said to me 'I should have taken better care of myself'.  Besides the alcohol abuse and the 50+ years of smoking, my father never over indulged in food, he probably never ate an adequate amount of food either.

The fear of becoming overweight prevented both my parents from a healthy lifestyle.  Alcohol and cigarettes became the main staple of their lives.  Many times it was their food.  My mother continues on with that premise giving her an aged beyond her years look and an unhealthy body.  She is oblivious to reality.

I've always tried to keep myself thin.   My average dress size was somewhere between a 4 and 6.  If I crossed over to that hated size 8 I would exercise and starve myself back to where I felt I should be.  That routine has been difficult to maintain as I have aged my life responsibilities have changed.  I'm no longer that skinny size 4 and I don't believe I will ever be again.  I've tried to come to terms with my size 10 pants, but it's difficult in a world of skinny pressures.  I can't say that I will ever be happy at this size, but my will to be that thin has faded.

My mother's continuous commentary on the size of everyone makes me wonder how I ever escaped a life of anexoria.  Her comments on myself and my daughter, while thought to be either meaningless or complimentary, awkwardly turn out to be hurtful.  I can easily stand up for my own child, but I can't seem to find the words to tell her how it hurts me.  I wonder at times how long will I be able to tolerate listening to her on-going tale of being a size 0 before I burst at the seams.

My son's girlfriend confided in me about her families issues with anexoria and the impact it has had on her and her life.  I can't imagine how she must really feel inside.  Conquering your issues with weight is diffiuclt enough, but to add in family who choose to live with anexoria as a lifestyle and continually push it on others must be unbareable.  I hope that she is able to overcome her issues with food and live a happy, healthy life.  It takes a strong mind and heart to stop listening to how others think you should live and live your own life.

I had to make that choice in my life to be who I am no matter what anyone else thinks.  I was a late bloomer in life.  I really didn't grow up until my late 20s.  My shy personality kept me from so many wonderful things in life.  My first hurdle was to become independent and confident.  With both of those traits I learned to love myself for who I am.  I learned to not question myself and be brave.  I don't have to be the thinnest girl in the room anymore.  I can be whoever I want to be and if people don't like me for who I am, no matter what my size, then they are not worth knowing. 

Will I ever be thin enough?  Probably not, but I will be happy with what I am anyway.