I grew up in a household that was giving. We lived in a medium sized college town. The local school is small and private, but was directly across the street from my childhood home. Over the years college aged kids would come through our house as frequent dinner guests. My parents acted as their surrogate parents while they finished growing up in the 80s. And even though we were quite poor my parents always made it a point to share what we had.
As an adult I have tried to instill that lesson within my own children. I am happy to say that they are the most generous, caring and giving children I have ever met. This brings me back to my last blog, Who will love your children? My son's friend moved into our home last night. He brought with him very little simply because he has very little. After learning that my son had been buying him dinner almost every night after school and even took it upon himself to buy the kid shoes when he needed it I was beaming with pride. He didn't do these things for the recognition, he didn't even tell me until yesterday; he did it because he saw someone struggling, someone in need.
In the past he has come home from school and asked if he could give another kid a pair of his black dress pants. After all, he as a couple pairs and the kid had none to wear for an upcoming band concert. A teacher once told us that he is such a nice kid that she believed he would literally give another child the shirt off his back. My son just cares about others.
My only concern with my son's generosity is being taken advantage of. If I think back to my parents, my father in particular, he did what was necessary to make others happy. He worked in a family business and when it was time to sell the business and move on, he gave all of his proceeds/earnings to his parents for their retirement. While this left us in bad situation, he felt that was his duty, his obligation.
I have opened my home to my mother since my father's passing in 2008. She doesn't pay rent, utilities, phone, cable. She isn't asked to do anything. I somehow feel this is my duty, my obligation following closely in my fathers footsteps. Here in lies my personal battle. Am I being taken advantage of? I have spoke about my trials and tribulations with my situation and I often times wonder if my generosity and how I have taught my children to follow is going to lead them down the same path.
My son asked me yesterday if I think it would be ok for him to buy his friend a laptop. He has been working full time for a couple of months now and earns a decent salary for a teen. I told him that I think everything he has done is great and I am proud of how he is stepping up to help someone in need, but also that he has to draw the line somewhere. He can't be this kids mother, he can't do it all for him. This kid has to grow up a little too, he has to become responsible for himself. Those perks aren't something that he should be buying for him. And while my son understands this I know that he will continue to give to this kid and I worry he will over do it.
My children see me giving everyday by trying to keep the peace at home. I attempt to always sit with mom for dinner even if it means skipping a night out with friends or hurrying through work obligations. I try to make it a point to take her places on the weekends and I feel I've gone the extra mile to make her feel at home. But in reality, my mother, while in her late 60s, is perfectly capable of caring for herself, supporting herself. She is fully able to work a part time job for a few extra bucks to pay for her own cell phone or just to have something to do. Instead, just as my father, she has left all financial burdens and social interactions on me and my family and expecting for the same care she received from my father.
Have I made a mistake by showing my children what altruism means? Have I rendered them to a position where they sometimes will forget about themselves too often? I want my children to give, I want them to recognize that they are fortunate for what they have, but I don't want them to suffer in the end and give up too much.
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