It's not easy living with someone in denial. The daily grind becomes quite tedious when chasing after an alcoholic. My mom has always been a drinker. I never quite understood the impact alcohol has on a persons life until I was an adult. Alcohol had always been a regular part of both my parents life. Tipsy and drunk was normal behavior in my house. And until that behavior began to affect my own children I really was clueless of the situation.
It's been several years since my dad passed away from lung, pancreatic and liver cancer. As far as we knew he had no clue he was sick until the last two weeks of his life. His cancers were directly related to his long term smoking and drinking habits. Any of the three cancers could have killed him. I still don't know which cancer actually took him, but in reality it doesn't matter.
My mom still doesn't believe that my fathers bad habits of smoking and drinking contributed to his death. I guess denial is easier than reality. And so she continues smoking and drinking daily herself. Along with denial comes invincibilty. She has luckily recovered from several of her own alcohol/smoking related scares. I have attempted to talk to her about both addictions several times to only be met with anger and ultimate dismissal.
Alcohol seems to be eating my mother's brain. Besides the loss of short term memory she is forgetting how to do normal tasks such has how to pay the bill at a restaurant or how to add numbers. My family normally tries to just get through the moment without causing a stir with her. Getting angry or upset with her while she is drunk won't fix anything. It's sad, it's embarrassing and it's a tough situation.
Sometimes we make jokes to mask the discontent in our hearts. In reality we (myself, my husband and children) have grown tired of the situation. We have cut back on family dinners out to avoid any uncomfortable situations or we attempt to sneak out without her knowing. I'm not sure where life is going with this issue always hanging out. I toss and turn if I should seek help for myself; maybe a support group. I would imagine those types of groups will listen, but what I really want is an answer. How do I fix this? What can I do to make this all better? There aren't answers to those questions. I know if someone doesn't want to help themselves that it isn't going to happen. If only she could realize the impact of her actions.
She has lost my fathers family because of alcohol. She has lost friends because of alcohol. All those people have told me they only stuck around because of my dad and no longer feel the need. Unfortunately I feel all the burden is left on my shoulders, on my immediate families shoulders. All those people who were there have dropped out of sight. I can call them, they listen, but it's only sympathy I hear in return and the stern statement that they are done with dealing. Dealing is the only thing I have left. My emotions are are constant roller coaster, the stress and anxiety over it takes a toll on a person, on me. Living with an alcoholic is not fun.
a blog comment wont and can't help. But I am really moved by this and touched by your expression. I know we've never met but we have corresponded and I can only share with you that I have your back and want to support you however I can.
ReplyDeleteBear patiently, dear woman.
thank you
DeleteHaving been in a very similar situation myself (with an alcoholic ex-spouse) I'm very sympathetic. I think getting some help for yourself is a GREAT idea. I did, and I learned that the burden of caring for someone with a problem - who, after every effort to make them aware chose to be in denial - was lifted from me. They must "fix" themselves, and there is really nothing more we can do. I'm so sorry you and your family have to endure this. It's very very sad.
ReplyDeleteLiving with an alcoholic is not fun.
ReplyDeletePeople treat alcoholism as if it were a choice, like hair color. "If you don't like it, just change it." Personally, alcoholism seems to me to be more like ADHD, autism, or any troublesome mental disorder that is identified by inappropriate behaviors, even Alzheimer's, in its own way. People with these kinds of disorders often seem to understand what you are saying and why what they are doing is wrong, but they go right ahead and do it again anyway. What caretakers grow to understand is that if the disordered person could stop, she would.
We can often train the person suffering from the disorder to manage her behaviors, up to a point, but there is always a danger that the behaviors are going to escalate suddenly and without warning. Mental disorders are badly stigmatized in our culture, but I think the alcoholics and their families have it worst of all. The alcoholic is the one most likely to be blamed for having developed the disorder in the first place. The alcoholic is the one most likely to be condemned for backsliding. The alcoholic's family is the one most likely to be told to just walk away and let their loved one suffer alone.
As a caretaker of mentally disordered adults, I have had the bad habit to avoid seeking help until I am so desperate that the potential helpers cannot be absolutely sure that I am at all sane myself. It turns out, however, that there is a support network "out there" for just about every family complication we can have, and the staffers have seen more than a few frazzled caretakers. Sometimes you have to try two or three different groups before you find one that knows the difference between "not enabling" and "abandonment", and can explain it properly, but once you find the right fit, your life becomes amazingly more manageable.
I wish I could offer more. For the time between now and when you find the network of supporters that will help you and your mom, I want to give advice like, "Don't be afraid of developing a gallows humor" or, "Take time to admire clouds at sunset," but what works for me does not work for everybody. And when I am busy hating a bad situation, I do not want to think about the stupid clouds. I want to yell at them for being stupid clouds that don't even know how stupid they are.
Best thoughts for you and yours.