Death

These are not my words, but words that spoke to me some years ago. I thought I would share them with you today.

Death. 

The thought of dying consumed me when I was younger. Not in some misguided goth vampire oh-isn't-death-cool kind of way. No, death scared the stuffing out of me. 

In many ways death paralyzed me. I couldn't think straight knowing I would die. This was starting when I was about 10 years old. Imagine that. I was going to worry for the next 65 years about dying. What kind of life would that be? It's like I was on the dance floor with everyone else, but rather than moving to the beat and enjoying the moment, I stood there perfectly still, consumed with the idea that the music would evetually stop. It was like I was already dead. 

There is a rational side of me that saw the irony. I was wasting away while living, because I feared wasting away and dying. As if worrying about the inevitable could somehow change the outcome. 

It reminds me of airplanes. I hate flying. So you know what I do? I try to sit lightly in my seat. I try to not press down too hard for fear the extra weight will be too much and the plane will plummet to the ground. How ridiculous. You should see me walk down the aisle of the plane to the bathroom. I am extra careful not to press my feet too hard into the carpet. So I do this sort of tiptoe thing. LOL! You want a laugh? If you watch closely on a plane, other people do it too. 

I think we are all the same. Maybe we are not willing to admit it, but we are. We are all the same. Our desire for sex. Our insecurity about how others view us. Concerns over our looks. Guilt over being selfish. On and on. All people. All cultures. We are all the same. With one strong common denominator being this overpowering fear of death. 

But young people, listen up, let me lighten your load a little. 

You know what happens? Death seems all consuming when you are a teen and you can't fathom how you will cope with the anxiety of impending doom when you turn 50 or 60 or 70. OMG right? How can an old person possibly ever smile knowing the grim reaper is around the corner?? But you know what? Here is the one thing I have learned in life: The fear of death goes away. 

As you get older, as you wander through your own trials of life, as you embarrass yourself at party, or screw up something at work, or feel guilty about yelling at your children - interestingly the fear of death subsides. It's as if your brain reconciles. Your brain says hey, you know what, you aren't perfect. You've messed up plenty. It is not a total loss if death puts you out of your misery. It would ease your guilt and suffering. 

It is like the difference between getting a dent in a new car versus an old car. With the new car, you get a dent and you flip out. But a shopping cart bumps into your old car and you don't even think twice. In fact, it makes me chuckle when I get a dent in the old car. I feel I won somehow. I feel it was a wasted effort on karma's part. Because I don't care anymore. Go ahead, dent my old car all you want. It doesn't bother me. It's old. Ha ha. 

And that's what happens with death. Take my life away when I am young and I am devastated. Take my life away when I am old and in a wheelchair and on medication, with a lifetime of troubling thoughts regurgitating in head about how I once puked in a bar and how I let down a friend by not showing up at his birthday party and how I ran over my neighbor's dog because I was too lazy to check before backing up. Fill your head with these dents over 50 years, and the thought that you only have 20 years left doesn't seem so bad anymore. 

The fear of death is self correcting. 

That's how old people cope. That's why sometimes we even smile. 

So live your life young people. Dance to the music. Don't fret about what's to come. It will be okay. Really, it will be okay. 

----71, male

The bond of brothers

 

The life of a United States Marine is a perplexing one to many who have never served with a Marine. Most will never understand the bond of Marines without actually experiencing it first hand. And although I am simply a spectator of the life of a Marine, I have some understanding of the strings that tie them together. I only wish I had that type of bond in my own life.

The statement 'once a Marine, always a Marine' is in fact the truth. People come and go in your life. Some are meant to be there by your side for life and some are just passing by. It's hard to judge whether someone will forever be in your life or eventually turn into a distant memory at the onset of a friendship. The connection of two Marine's is for life. Their dedication to God and country strengthens their dedication to the Corps. It doesn't matter how much time has come between hellos, the brotherhood of the Marine Corps will weigh heavy on the heart and keep that connection alive.

Recently my husband was contacted by an old friends sister. The sister and my husband are Facebook friends and although his old friend never joined the league of social networkers; the sister was there to speak for her brother in his time of need.

My husband has known Scott since middle/high school. Scott is a few years younger than my husband, but his out going personality won over both under and upper classmen giving him a wide social circle. A few years after high school both Scott and my husband joined the Marine Corps. Scott was first to enlist, but at this point the two had lost touch and my husband, Chad, was unaware of his old friends future plans. Ironically Scott joined up with another fellow that I went to high school with me before I knew Chad.

Soon Chad enlisted and was off to boot camp. Both Scott and his friend John found out Chad was at boot camp and tracked him down. The two offered some semblance of home to Chad and in some aspect to themselves as well. The personal connection in a time of such uncertainty while joining the armed forces made the time away from family and friends a little easier. Those guys have no idea what those few moments, those simple hellos did for Chad during that time in his life.

I'm quite certain not one of those guys were aware this was the beginning of a brotherhood, a bond that  can't and won't be broken despite time or distance.

And here we are today, Chad is in his car driving north to visit Scott, his fellow Marine, his former classmate. The unfortunate news Scotts' sister shared with my husband recently is that Scott is dying of cancer. His days are soon going to end.

For the past couple of weeks Chad has contemplated going up to see Scott in Georgia. He worried he would be in the way of a family trying to absorb as much time as possible left in this young man's life. But that Marine Corps bond, a sense of duty to a fellow Marine has persuaded him to take time out of his own busy life and go see his friend. And his time with Scott this weekend sharing old high school memories, trading Marine Corps stories may be short, but only proves the dedication to the end of a brother.

I really can't completely express my pride in my husband at this very moment. While many would say the drive is too far, the relationship is too distant, my husband looked within himself to give a couple of days of his life to this man before it's too late. Even after driving for many hours only to sit with Scott for just a short time, my husband is giving his time to Scott in honor of the Marine Corps brotherhood. The weekend lost, the cost of gas and the unfathomable heartache that will result from this trip is minor compared to what Scott is going through. It's that connection that those guys back in boot camp never knew would occur that makes this type of dedication possible.

This act is the essence of what makes up the brotherhood of a Marine.

If you are reading this and you are a Marine, I empower you to reach out to your brothers. Don't ever let that connection fade.

Climbing the ladder to success

 

 

I've been quietly lately. Life seems to get in the way of life at times. My thoughts have continued to grow as my existence has changed in great ways. I won't rehash the last months of my life, but I will continue on my stream of consciousness for today - the ladder to success.

My mind will forever focus on the ladder to success. While this colloquial phrase has been over used and become somewhat passé, I am constantly reminded of it and see it more of a hindrance than a process. Where does this path end? I am an ambitious climber working in an entirely new field and grasping at straws at how to get to the next level. Living within the onset of a new company, that path hasn't quite been written out and has made for a short, but bumpy journey. My small existence has taken me down a road of few missteps, promises that are given along with ill-will. But for unknown reasons, this has not dissuaded me from my path; I jump, go around and even create greener pastures in my mind with the ultimate goal of reaching the top of my ladder.  

I know myself; I know when I reach that rung on the ladder I will not be at the top, but at a point that brings me to a new goal, more steps to take. I have reached the top of the ladder before and it wasn’t enough. The top will never be enough. My journey will continue, from this point I want more, from that point I will want more. I simply can’t be satisfied.

I find it difficult to understand people who are satisfied in their jobs. Those who merrily do the same job day after day, year after year are a total mystery to me. Why don’t they desire more? I suppose comfort is important to some. They are likely masters of a sort of their own trade. I don’t find complete mastery important, I find that conquering and moving on the highlight of existence. Without a new goal to work towards, what is the point? I have so much more inside to offer and I make no bones about sharing that with those I feel deserve to know. Those who potentially will offer me a place on that path are the ones I play my game.

I have settled into a new professional home. It felt very foreign at first after spending more than eight years at my last. I took this huge leap of faith moving from a comfortable existence to one that is ambiguous at best. Upon my departure of my former home the anger flowed through the mouths of my previous family. Failure, disappointment and unhappiness were the language used to stab my back. Yet I held my head high; I didn’t blink or allow them to see anything but confidence as I continued to climb my ladder on my journey.

My life will forever be embroiled in the game. The teammates and gamers are those I analyze and eventually attempt to conquer. My strategy is forever evolving. The end of the game is not at the top of the ladder because the top does not exist. The ladder is an endless dream, a constant challenge in my mind.

Climbing the ladder to success gives me motivation to get up each day, to make it through another challenge fraught with road blocks, and to allow my mind to continue learning in an effort to finally feel success.

Living with an alcoholic

It's not easy living with someone in denial.  The daily grind becomes quite tedious when chasing after an alcoholic.  My mom has always been a drinker.  I never quite understood the impact alcohol has on a persons life until I was an adult.  Alcohol had always been a regular part of both my parents life.  Tipsy and drunk was normal behavior in my house.  And until that behavior began to affect my own children I really was clueless of the situation. 

It's been several years since my dad passed away from lung, pancreatic and liver cancer.  As far as we knew he had no clue he was sick until the last two weeks of his life.  His cancers were directly related to his long term smoking and drinking habits.  Any of the three cancers could have killed him.  I still don't know which cancer actually took him, but in reality it doesn't matter.

My mom still doesn't believe that my fathers bad habits of smoking and drinking contributed to his death.  I guess denial is easier than reality.  And so she continues smoking and drinking daily herself.  Along with denial comes invincibilty.  She has luckily recovered from several of her own alcohol/smoking related scares. I have attempted to talk to her about both addictions several times to only be met with anger and ultimate dismissal. 

Alcohol seems to be eating my mother's brain.  Besides the loss of short term memory she is forgetting how to do normal tasks such has how to pay the bill at a restaurant or how to add numbers.   My family normally tries to just get through the moment without causing a stir with her.  Getting angry or upset with her while she is drunk won't fix anything.  It's sad, it's embarrassing and it's a tough situation.

Sometimes we make jokes to mask the discontent in our hearts.  In reality we (myself, my husband and children) have grown tired of the situation.  We have cut back on family dinners out to avoid any uncomfortable situations or we attempt to sneak out without her knowing.  I'm not sure where life is going with this issue always hanging out.  I toss and turn if I should seek help for myself; maybe a support group.  I would imagine those types of groups will listen, but what I really want is an answer.  How do I fix this?  What can I do to make this all better?  There aren't answers to those questions.  I know if someone doesn't want to help themselves that it isn't going to happen.  If only she could realize the impact of her actions. 

She has lost my fathers family because of alcohol.  She has lost friends because of alcohol.  All those people have told me they only stuck around because of my dad and no longer feel the need.   Unfortunately I feel all the burden is left on my shoulders, on my immediate families shoulders.  All those people who were there have dropped out of sight.  I can call them, they listen, but it's only sympathy I hear in return and the stern statement that they are done with dealing.   Dealing is the only thing I have left.  My emotions are are constant roller coaster, the stress and anxiety over it takes a toll on a person, on me.  Living with an alcoholic is not fun.

Punished for trying to do the 'right' thing

Whoever heard of punishment for trying to cover your debts?  Several years ago my husband and I decided it was time to move to a bigger house.  We knew we might be housing my parents sometime down the road and were searching for a place with more space. 

With the fall of the economy it was a good time to purchase a home, but a bad time to sell one.  We decided to keep our current family home as a rental property and move into a bigger home better suited for our future needs.  Additionally, I thought the rental property could eventually be sold to fund our lives during retirement.

It wasn't hard to qualify for two mortgages.  Turns out that banks were giving mortgages to people who could not afford them.  According to the mortgage company we cold afford two mortgages as long as we had renters or as it turns out not eat.  There was no discussion or thought if we could afford the two mortgages if we didn't have a renter.  Feeling liberated and set on being grand landlords we set out on our new adventure. 

We later found out later that our mortgage on our first home was written in less than legal terms.   The mortgage company refinanced our first house and then gave us a new loan for the second house.  The type of mortgage for our first house was meant for a homesteaded home and not a rental property. The mortgage company was fully aware of our intentions to rent the first home and live in the second.  This bit of information would create problems down the road.

We started out on our landlord journey learning that there are tons of unscrupulous people in the world.  We had several tenants over the course of a two plus years.  The first tenant signed a lease and then failed to move in.  We had to scramble to find someone new.  This left us two months to cover the mortgage of that house.  The second tenant moved in and out within six months, breaking the lease and destroying the house.

We decided the 'right' thing (or what we felt was the only answer) and fix the house, keep paying the mortgage and find another renter.   The lack of rental income was a huge strain on our finances.  The decision was made to cash out most of my husbands retirement fund to purchase materials to fix the house and keep the mortgage up on the property.  It took three months to fix the house and re-rent.  The cost was thousands of dollars.   The third tenant moved in and paid the rent on time for two months.  Things started going downhill from there.  She stopped paying rent and for two months I called, left notes on the door and mailed her letters regarding the rent.  When I finally spoke with her she said times were tough, etc.  I was forced to file the paperwork to have her legally evicted through the courts.  She continued to live in the house without paying rent for two additonal months.  The day before the Sheriff was to arrive to evict her from my house she left.  This left us with four months of unpaid rent. 

Tax time was upon us by now and since we had cashed out my husbands retirement we learned that even though we paid penalties and taxes at the time, the money pushed our combined income into a new tax bracket. We now owe the IRS $11,000.  We had to set up monthly payments to pay off our debt.

It was a couple of months before we could find another renter.  By this point we had fallen far behind on the mortgage of the rental and our family home in an effort to juggle the debt.  We could not possiby catch up and cover both mortgages.  The renter moved out as the house went into foreclosure, but we were luckily able to save our family home.

Even during foreclosure we attempted to right our issue the best we could.  We contacted a realitor to short sale the house to ease the loss of money.  The house was worth much less than what we owed and figured that we would fair better from a short sale than an out right foreclosure.  Neither foreclosure or short sale were routes either of use felt comfortable with, but there were no options left.  Both of us are honest people to a fault and have always been responsible for our own debt. In past times when money was tight and we were short on paying our bills one of us would get a second job to make ends meet or sell something of value.  Many birthday and Christmas presents made their way to the pawn shop.

But at this point they money owed is far more than either of us could generate in a reasonable amoutn of time.  We received a total of three offers on the house.  Each offer was considered and denied by the mortgage company.  It was determined by the third offer that our mortgage was not eligible to short sale because of the type of mortgage.  We were foreced to give up.

The house went into total foreclosure.  It sat for more than two years as the government and the banking industry fought over the fradulant mortgage market.  Eventually the house sold at auction January of 2012.    We have been lucky that the remainder of the loan has been forgiven, but we did not escape the IRS charging us income tax on that money since the house was not our primary residence. 

Just as we are close to paying off our tax debt for cashing out a 401k and being bumped into a higher tax bracket we are saddled again with a tax debt of $19,000 for the 'forgiven' loan.

Over the past four years I have had multiple people steal money from me by living in my home for free or breaking a rental contract, destroy my property; unexpected tax on money intended to pay off my debt and then taxed again on my poor real estate decision.

My intentions in the beginning were to provide a space for my parents who were facing foreclosure themselves and rent a home with the hopes of one day selling for retirement, but my hopes have fallen way short. 

Many people have purposely let their homes go into foreclosure.  I have seen those same people buy new cars, go on expensive vacations and do pretty much to their hearts content from money that should have been paying the mortgage, property taxes and insurance.  It is true that eventually those people move out of their almost free home and into a rental property and are saddled with a poor credit score.  I too have a poor credit score, but I attempted to pay my mortgage and got taxed only to further tighten my budget.  And just when I see the light at the end of the tunnel I am hit again by more taxes. 

My family vacations are trips to visit family.  There are no extravagant vacations or brand new cars for every family member.  Our monthly payments will continue for several more years to the IRS and once that is finally finished I will begin to dig out of my student loans that have had to sit untouched for years until the budget allows for payment.

While I am dismayed by the way society has ignored their responsibilites since it has directly impacted my life substantially.  I still feel doing the 'right' thing is the 'right' decision even if it will take years to 'right'.

.

Parenting and Heartbreak

Motherhood

I had spent months planning for my first child.   Every moment was planned out from conception to birth.   I remember looking at the empty crib unable to imagine what it would be like for a little person to occupy that space.  I was so excited to begin the part of my life I had dreamed of since I was a small child.  All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  I never had any other aspiration for a career besides parenting. 

At the age of 21 my first child was born.  A son.  It felt so unreal that I walked into the hospital as just me and then suddenly I had a baby.  They just handed him over to me like it was nothing.  He was mine to care for, to teach.  I had some much love for him.  I never thought I could be this in love with another human being.  Even now I tear up over thinking about those feelings.

I miss that dependence from those years.  The overwhelming need that a baby places on you.  You are their everything and they offer unconditional love.  Infancy is a wonderful time of life.

Here I am years upon years later and my baby is no more.  I'm not sure what happened to the time between then and now.  It seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye.  I feel like I did my best as a parent.  Sure, I have regrets about how I handled some things, but there is no handbook on how to be a parent.  You have to learn as you go. 

I spent years fighting for my way to raise my children.  I wanted them to be open minded, accepting, generous and loving.  I wanted my children to be individuals and if they didn't want to be like everyone else, that would be ok. 

You can't predict how your children will grow up.  You must provide a supporting environment as best you can, the rest is up to them.  A mother's love is unending in my book.  No matter what they do or don't do you keep pushing them to try harder, to get to that next mile in life.

Unfortunately life changes, those miles come faster than expected, people grow up and for that I feel utterly heartbroken.  Some may say that is a strong emotion for something many will think is a normal part of life, but it has been my feeling as of late.  Children grow up, they love others, it's all part of life.  But when a mother feels her son loves someone else more than her its a tough pill to swallow.  The tears have been a regular visitor to my face.

Revelation

At 18 I was engaged to my husband.  One day my mother-in-law pulled me aside and said she was not happy I was taking him away from her.  At the time I didn't understand why she was saying this to me and felt hurt by her comment.  After all, I wasn't taking him, he was growing up and moving on.  Isn't that a normal part of life?  I finally understand her statement, her emotion and while she didn't convey it to me in a very pleasant way, I now know too the heartbreak that goes along with this part of life.  The rocky transition into adulthood.

Suddenly you are no longer the center of your child's world.  Whether they are engaged, dating or whatnot, someone else's world will seem so much better than his own.  My son's focus is elsewhere, his mind is preoccupied.  Yet the fact is that he is still the center of mine, the biggest part of my heart.  He was my first giant love.  And no matter what he does or doesn't do, he will always be that to me.

Somehow I must reconcile these feelings, but that seems an uneasy task.  Emotions are a huge part of my personality and no matter how much I try to quell them they keep jumping out of me.
 

Sold an Education I May Never Need

Everyone has been hit by the bad economy in some manner over the past few years.  We've struggled to make ends meet losing jobs, homes and even relationships in the process.  I am not a stranger to the reach of the poor state of the economy.  I haven't had a raise in a few years, lost a home to foreclosure, and added a new member to my household to add to my financial strain.

In an effort to think ahead, to build a career that would be capable of supporting my family for years I finished my college education.  I began school back in 2005 while still working full time and caring for two children still in school also.  I studied day and night to earn my Bachelor's degree.  Upon completion in 2009 the state of the economy was poor.  I kept hearing that education is the key to a long and prosperous career.  I have my Bachelor's degree, but would it be enough to compete in this ever shrinking job market?

I was easily sold on the theory that eduction will set me apart from every other average Joe attempting to find a progressive job.  I decided investing in more eduction would be my ticket to financial freedom down the road.  Already in debt with student loans, I deferred my loans and continued my education with the current educator.  My new goal was a Master of Business Administration.

I must admit that nearly six years of college along with a full time job was tiresome.  Those last few classes were loathsome.  In time I finished my second degree and became a proud owner of an MBA.  With high GPA's and new found knowledge I was proud of my hard work.  Additionally I was certain with this new acronym attached to my name that the offers would come rolling in along with the salary to make paying off those loans a little less painful.   This has not happened.

I am currently in a position of over educated and under employed like many.  As the economy grows I wonder what my future potential may hold. Do I need to add a few certifications to my educational repertoire?  Have I only succeeded in making myself feel smarter, but in reality played a pretty bad hand of cards?

Private universities and colleges are running campaigns on national television selling prospective students on the fictitious ladder of success.  Commercials tell the story of offices moving up to the next level; success is waiting for them to finish that degree.  I played that game and invested in an education I simply can't pay back at this time.  Unfortunately the longer I wait the more my education will cost me. 

I still believe in education.  I want to keep learning something new every day for the rest of my life.  I am dedicated to continue growing in my career.  And as I sit at the top of my game in my current situation, banging my head on the perpetual glass ceiling, I wonder if I will even utilize the knowledge I gained from all the years of studying.  I fear I was sold an education that I may never need.