Living with an alcoholic

It's not easy living with someone in denial.  The daily grind becomes quite tedious when chasing after an alcoholic.  My mom has always been a drinker.  I never quite understood the impact alcohol has on a persons life until I was an adult.  Alcohol had always been a regular part of both my parents life.  Tipsy and drunk was normal behavior in my house.  And until that behavior began to affect my own children I really was clueless of the situation. 

It's been several years since my dad passed away from lung, pancreatic and liver cancer.  As far as we knew he had no clue he was sick until the last two weeks of his life.  His cancers were directly related to his long term smoking and drinking habits.  Any of the three cancers could have killed him.  I still don't know which cancer actually took him, but in reality it doesn't matter.

My mom still doesn't believe that my fathers bad habits of smoking and drinking contributed to his death.  I guess denial is easier than reality.  And so she continues smoking and drinking daily herself.  Along with denial comes invincibilty.  She has luckily recovered from several of her own alcohol/smoking related scares. I have attempted to talk to her about both addictions several times to only be met with anger and ultimate dismissal. 

Alcohol seems to be eating my mother's brain.  Besides the loss of short term memory she is forgetting how to do normal tasks such has how to pay the bill at a restaurant or how to add numbers.   My family normally tries to just get through the moment without causing a stir with her.  Getting angry or upset with her while she is drunk won't fix anything.  It's sad, it's embarrassing and it's a tough situation.

Sometimes we make jokes to mask the discontent in our hearts.  In reality we (myself, my husband and children) have grown tired of the situation.  We have cut back on family dinners out to avoid any uncomfortable situations or we attempt to sneak out without her knowing.  I'm not sure where life is going with this issue always hanging out.  I toss and turn if I should seek help for myself; maybe a support group.  I would imagine those types of groups will listen, but what I really want is an answer.  How do I fix this?  What can I do to make this all better?  There aren't answers to those questions.  I know if someone doesn't want to help themselves that it isn't going to happen.  If only she could realize the impact of her actions. 

She has lost my fathers family because of alcohol.  She has lost friends because of alcohol.  All those people have told me they only stuck around because of my dad and no longer feel the need.   Unfortunately I feel all the burden is left on my shoulders, on my immediate families shoulders.  All those people who were there have dropped out of sight.  I can call them, they listen, but it's only sympathy I hear in return and the stern statement that they are done with dealing.   Dealing is the only thing I have left.  My emotions are are constant roller coaster, the stress and anxiety over it takes a toll on a person, on me.  Living with an alcoholic is not fun.

Birthday Blues

I have to admit that I'm no longer sympathetic.  I've lost my patience.  I no longer feel empathy for a drunken cry.  The words she says, the stories she tells speaks volumes of who she is.  And even though I never knew these things about my mom all of my life, I am learning that she just isn't or wasn't who I ever thought.

My dad was a very patient man.  He loved who he loved and he stood behind them without fail.  In some aspects I am that exact same person.  I've stood behind her all these years woefully unaware of the feelings that swirled around her.  The hurt that she caused.  She was never popular, she was never even well liked.  And in the absense of my father these last four years have proved that matter of factly.

It's my mom's birthday today.  She is 69 years old.  My father lived 71 years.  She is bitter that he is gone.  She is sad that he is gone. I have those same feelings, but for different reasons.  I miss my dad terribly.  I miss that I can't listen to his long stories over and over again; I miss that I can't call him when I have a question about a home repairs anymore.  I miss hearing him call me Kat.  And I'm angry I am left here to deal with the misery my mother has become. 

She says tonight that my dad let his family down.  He didn't take care of himself and died.  He was 71 years old and he had cancer, a lot of cancer.  He wasn't outwardly sick for years, he didn't complain of pain.  He was still working full time barely functioning, but somehow keeping it a secret to everyone.  He was diagnosed with cancer on or around the first couple days of August and he died August 11th.  He didn't complain, he didn't cry, he just quickly slipped away.

I remember one day in the hospital after we found out he was really that sick and it was just the two of us in the room.  I cuddled up next to my dad on his bed.  He held onto my wrist tightly as I put around his chest.  I cried just then, laying next to him knowing what was next to come. 

My family was never particularly affectionate.  We didn't hug and kiss too much while I was growing up.  It felt and still feels awkward to hug my mom.  It's just not there, not in me.  But that day it felt right.  I needed my dad to know I loved him.  He told he should have taken better care of himself.  But my dad took care of himself as best he knew how.   And even if he made mistakes, he drank too much, he smoked too much he still took care of his family best he could and never expected a handout.

Hearing my mom say that tonight was hurtful.  I know she is upset that dad isn't here for another birthday.  The alcohol doesn't help the mood either.  Alcohol played a part in killing my father and it will surely play a role in eventual end of my mothers life.  I guess she can't or won't see that connection.  The fact that she is following the same path. 

I can't get past this wall I have put up.  I can't let myself feel bad for her anymore.  Maybe I am being selfish myself.  Alcoholism makes life kinda tough.

Sometimes sad

I was a little sad this morning.  I got into  mom's car to drive to work (we sometimes must play musical cars to get everyone to where they need to be) and as usual the belt is squeeling.  While this isn't the end of the world it made me think about something.  In the past this is something my dad would have taken care of, but since dad isn't here anymore this task has fallen on my husband.  He has tried to fix the issue several times and can't seem to figure it out.  Further he has told mom on at least four occassions that she needs to take the car to the shop to get it fixed.  Again, this would have been dad's job and this makes me a little frustrated.  Subsequently the problem has fallen on me.  Why did my dad do everything and why did he leave my family to take over his responsibilities?  I have a husband, two teenage children and a full time job.  Now I have another responsibility because she was so spoiled all those years with dad she expects everyone else to take care of her problems; everyone but herself.

I texted my brother expressing my feelings which equated to losing my mind.  He responded back with something to the effect of "it's too early for this foolishness".  It was enough to make me smile and I felt a little better.  He was right, it was too early in the morning, too much to do today to be out of sorts.  I had to get on with my day.

I spoke mom about taking care of the problem on the way to dinner tonight.  She was less than receptive, a bit curt even, noting that dad usually took care of the car and she knows she has to now.  Then she started to cry and I felt bad. 

Everyone was out tonight so when I decided to take mom to dinner I was thinking about a little shoe shopping after, but as usual alcohol affected the evening.  I didn't even mention the shoe shopping because she clearly had too much to drink by the end of dinner.  That really makes me sad. 

I feel like its been years since I had a mom.  There was a short time she stopped drinking and I really felt like I had my mom back.  That was around 4-5 years ago and it was very short lived.  I'm the mother in this relationship.  That makes me sad too.  It's not supposed to be how life is when you are only 40 years old.

Life in a multi-generation house

My life is a reality tv show.  I mean seriously where are those cameras hidden?  If you had told me 10 years ago that I would have a parent living with me I would have laughed at you.  That could never happen, but guess what, it did.  And here I am 3 1/2 years into this living arrangement that has no forseen end.

The other night was hubby's birthday and we all went to dinner.  Now on most occasions our family dinners out end with some type of turmoil.  Daughter argues with son, father argues with daughter.  We are your typical American family with teenagers that know everything and parents struggling to handle it. 

Tonight was different - abeit something that I have seen coming over the past year.  This time it was mom's turn.  We arrived at the Hard Rock Cafe for hubby's birthday meal.  It's always loud in the Hard Rock, but there is so much to look at that really it just adds to the atmosphere.  Service is always slow at this place, but we are out to have a nice evening so it doesn't really bother most of us.  Actually it only bothers mom.  She has become quite impatient over the past years.  It seems life just doesn't happen fast enough for her. I would think most people her age (68) would want it to slow down because it's all happening too fast. 

Quick question.  Why do older people think that with age you earn pure unfiltered verbiage?  Seriously, just because you are 68 doesn't mean you can say anything at anytime.  The people around you still have feelings no matter what your age is.

Anyway, meals start coming out and low and behold the waiter forgot to put in mom's order.  Yes, I agree a little frustrating, but really not the end of the world.  But to my mom, this is unforgiveable.  Aided by mulitple glasses of wine that day, my mother starts to rip the waiter apart.  I felt so bad for the guy.  His big eyes were crushed.  The slip of the order was purely an accident.  We are all human and accidents happen, but not to my mom, not to her dinner.  The waiter is off to the kitchen to crank up the order and we are left sitting with a pissed off lady.  She begins ranting on about how she isn't paying for dinner now (she had volunteered to cover the bill since it was hubby's birthday). 

At this point I am very fortunate to have a patient husband.  He says to her 'don't let this ruin  your evening.'  Mom is ready to stand her ground and let it ruin her life if necessary.  I follow up with 'you aren't going to ruin our evening'.  With that said she sits.  Her dinner arrives and she still sits.  No eating, not talking, just sitting, arms crossed like a 5 year old.

We finish dinner and I escort her outside with daughter while hubby pays the bill.  I decide we should take some pictures in front of the Hard Rock sign.  Mom slowly stumbles behind us as we walk up the sidewalk.  This is when I realize that she is really drunk.  She is having a hard time walking. 

As we turn to walk to the car she latches on to my arm to keep herself upright.  I'm not well versed at guiding a drunken person anywhere so this is a challenge for me.  I'm being pulled in every which direction.

I don't know how to deal with this.