Motherhood
I had spent months planning for my first child. Every moment was planned out from conception to birth. I remember looking at the empty crib unable to imagine what it would be like for a little person to occupy that space. I was so excited to begin the part of my life I had dreamed of since I was a small child. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I never had any other aspiration for a career besides parenting.
At the age of 21 my first child was born. A son. It felt so unreal that I walked into the hospital as just me and then suddenly I had a baby. They just handed him over to me like it was nothing. He was mine to care for, to teach. I had some much love for him. I never thought I could be this in love with another human being. Even now I tear up over thinking about those feelings.
I miss that dependence from those years. The overwhelming need that a baby places on you. You are their everything and they offer unconditional love. Infancy is a wonderful time of life.
Here I am years upon years later and my baby is no more. I'm not sure what happened to the time between then and now. It seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye. I feel like I did my best as a parent. Sure, I have regrets about how I handled some things, but there is no handbook on how to be a parent. You have to learn as you go.
I spent years fighting for my way to raise my children. I wanted them to be open minded, accepting, generous and loving. I wanted my children to be individuals and if they didn't want to be like everyone else, that would be ok.
You can't predict how your children will grow up. You must provide a supporting environment as best you can, the rest is up to them. A mother's love is unending in my book. No matter what they do or don't do you keep pushing them to try harder, to get to that next mile in life.
Unfortunately life changes, those miles come faster than expected, people grow up and for that I feel utterly heartbroken. Some may say that is a strong emotion for something many will think is a normal part of life, but it has been my feeling as of late. Children grow up, they love others, it's all part of life. But when a mother feels her son loves someone else more than her its a tough pill to swallow. The tears have been a regular visitor to my face.
Revelation
At 18 I was engaged to my husband. One day my mother-in-law pulled me aside and said she was not happy I was taking him away from her. At the time I didn't understand why she was saying this to me and felt hurt by her comment. After all, I wasn't taking him, he was growing up and moving on. Isn't that a normal part of life? I finally understand her statement, her emotion and while she didn't convey it to me in a very pleasant way, I now know too the heartbreak that goes along with this part of life. The rocky transition into adulthood.
Suddenly you are no longer the center of your child's world. Whether they are engaged, dating or whatnot, someone else's world will seem so much better than his own. My son's focus is elsewhere, his mind is preoccupied. Yet the fact is that he is still the center of mine, the biggest part of my heart. He was my first giant love. And no matter what he does or doesn't do, he will always be that to me.
Somehow I must reconcile these feelings, but that seems an uneasy task. Emotions are a huge part of my personality and no matter how much I try to quell them they keep jumping out of me.
